無與倫比的美麗

(Excuse myself in English, I feel a bit embarrassed to talk about this in my own language, because this has been frustrating me for the past two months. I’ve been seriously wondering if I easily bring out the worst in people since a few of them went crazy right in front of me, but you told me tonight that you think I actually just made them too comfortable to tell me ugly things. You pointed out that they are indeed the same type of people who put on the best faces in front of others but hide many dark secrets inside them. They care too much about how people see them, so they try so hard to behave, and then they wear themselves out. However my attitude makes them feel like they would never be judged, therefore they mistook me as the way to let out their messed up emotions, and thought that I would unconditionally support them, including their unthoughtful decisions and their awful tempers.  So here is the question… are they actually the same without me? Probably yes. Did I bring out the worst in them? … I hope not.)

但老實說,人生到今天為止,遇到喜歡騎到別人頭上來、任性、放肆、藉口堆成山的人,也不過就那幾個,屈指可數。謝謝你今天告訴我這些,我們是在學習而日漸進步沒錯,但我們不能因為他們就不再看見別人的好,不能因為他們就停止對別人好,我們可以練習慢慢收回一些,但不能放棄砍掉。如果因此放棄的話,我還真是因為他們虧大了,成了他們爛根性的代罪羔羊。

屢次我核心價值觀動搖時,是你托住我,屢次我懷疑自己是不是有問題時,是你解釋全盤圖畫給我看,還告訴我我很棒,而且要我堅持做自己,但我其實知道你才是那個很棒的人。「你形容我是這個世界上無與倫比的美麗,我知道其實你才是這世界上無與倫比的美麗。」

You have such a beautiful heart. We see hope in everyone and I promise I will always do the same. I will keep being who I am, because I get to meet wonderful people (such as you) only by being who I am.

Clumsy

你抱著義無反顧趨前於人群時,有幾個頹靡的妝容因為我們互不相讓,把一切都給染色了。即使混亂不堪,但幾個人交叉比對過後的信仰,總好過獨自感傷。其實我們也曾迴盪於渴望鋒利和給予溫情的兩者之間,又發現其實它們各自的對錯好壞細微得難以數算、分類。

我多麼想伸手救援,但又不想冒會被燙傷的險,然後我不敢洩出一點情緒,嗯,我別無選擇地讓自己的關心看起來那樣冷漠。於是我夢到他們都從我身邊面無表情的擦肩而過,夢裡的感受最誠實:我竟然覺得雲淡風輕。畢竟那些「愛」都不免讓人覺得一身濕氣,拖泥帶水,沉重不堪。

散落各處。記憶原是散裝的,拼不出完整的流暢。好的文字來自於好的情感,這兩樣暫時都被封鎖。很多人、很多事情本來就是不屬於你的,卻親手埋伏了一個夢,用綿密的感情包覆。當這個夢終究被時間喚醒時,你只能用不勇敢累積成的勇敢相送,那瞬間一切化成笑聲、淚光… 。你總理所當然以為你在我的世界裡與我同為觀眾,殊不知你是主角。

穀雨帶回了涼意,我準備好了,也不曾準備好。我們追求安適,又不安於室。呀,雨沿著窗簷滂沱而下,你好夢方酣。